One of the most common questions I hear from survivors is: “Do they know what they’re doing? Is the love bombing fake, just a way to control and manipulate me?”
The answer isn’t as simple as yes or no. And it’s one of the reasons survivors feel so disoriented and doubly hurt when the relationship shifts from intense affection to criticism, withdrawal, or outright cruelty.

Why Love Bombing Feels So Real
Love bombing can feel genuine because, in that moment, the narcissist is fully invested in it, just not in the way you might hope.
Narcissists are driven by their own needs, not mutual, healthy love. When they’re love bombing, they’re intoxicated by:
• The excitement
• The novelty
• The rush of idealizing you or “winning you back”

In that stage, they often believe their own words. They may truly think they’ve “changed” or found “the one.” This is part of why the performance is so convincing,  because it’s not always conscious lying in the way we imagine manipulation.

The Feelings Are Real, But Not Sustainable
Here’s the key: those feelings aren’t built on stability, empathy, or the capacity for healthy intimacy.
Love bombing is fueled by idealization, not acceptance. It’s about how you make them feel in that moment, not about seeing and valuing you as a whole person.
Once the newness wears off or you inevitably fail to meet their impossible expectations, the cycle shifts. That’s when devaluation begins and the warmth and attention you once had are replaced with criticism, withdrawal, or worse.

Pattern Over Intent
It’s important to understand:
They may not be consciously sitting there thinking, “I’ll trick her now and discard her later.”
But they are operating from a deeply ingrained pattern of relating that is self-serving, controlling, and manipulative. The charm and devotion are tools learned over time to secure your investment, loyalty, and compliance.
So even if the love bombing feels real to them in the moment, it’s not the same as real, healthy love. And because they can’t sustain it, it inevitably leads to the next stage of the abuse cycle.

Why Survivors Fall for It (Again and Again)
When someone’s words and actions match in the moment when they look you in the eye, make grand promises, and treat you with warmth, your nervous system takes it as truth.
This is part of what makes narcissistic abuse cycles so powerful and so damaging: the emotional whiplash. You’re not naïve for believing it. You’re responding to what looks and feels like genuine love.

The Bottom Line
It doesn’t matter whether the love bombing feels “genuine” to them in the moment. What matters is the pattern, and the pattern always tells the real story.
If you’re stuck in the cycle, remember:

• Real love doesn’t disappear when you set a boundary or show your humanity.
• You don’t need to decode every “why” to take care of yourself.
• The most important thing you can do is notice the pattern and decide what that means for your safety and well-being.

If You’re Struggling Right Now
If you’re in the painful position of watching someone love bomb a new partner or trying to pull you back in, it’s easy to question your reality. Use grounding skills, connect with safe people, and remind yourself: The pattern hasn’t changed. You have the power to break it.

We can help you heal www.narctrauma.com