Many survivors of narcissistic abuse ask me a version of the same question:

“Why does my partner seem like the best friend to everyone else, always there for coworkers, neighbors, or buddies but when I was sick or truly in need, he ignored me? And now, during divorce, he suddenly looks sad, says things like ‘we were such a strong team’ or ‘we built so much together,’ and even acts fair in mediation. It makes me question everything. Does he really care, or is this something common with narcissists?”

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. I hear it from survivors of narcissistic marriages, toxic relationships, and high-conflict divorces all the time. The answer is complicated, but there’s clarity once you understand what’s really going on.

The “Best Friend to Everyone Else” Mask
Narcissists often perform generosity, loyalty, and care for people outside the home. Friends, colleagues, and even strangers may see them as the most reliable, big-hearted person they know. Why? Because that behavior wins admiration. It fuels the narcissist’s image of being a hero, a savior, the one everyone can count on.

Inside the relationship, though, the mask falls. Spouses and children often see neglect, indifference, or outright cruelty. Meeting your needs doesn’t provide them with the same public applause, so they minimize or ignore you. Survivors of emotional abuse often describe this as one of the most painful contradictions of the relationship.

What They’re Really Mourning
When separation or divorce begins, a narcissist may look devastated. They may act fair in mediation. They may even speak in ways that sound nostalgic: “We had something special,” or “Everyone admired us as a couple.”

It’s important to recognize what they’re actually mourning. For most narcissists, the grief isn’t about you or the harm they caused. It’s about losing the image: the “power couple” status, the attractive partner, the family that made them look successful and enviable. Marriage and family are often treated like trophies. When that image cracks, they grieve the loss of what it represents, not the day-to-day reality of your relationship.

Why It’s So Confusing for Survivors
This is why survivors often feel torn. When you see tears, hear regretful phrases, or witness fairness in divorce proceedings, you may start to wonder, “Maybe he really did love me. Maybe I misjudged him.”

Here’s the truth: narcissists can feel sadness, regret, even longing, but it’s self-referential. They’re sad about losing control, losing supply, and losing the identity of being part of a “special couple.” They certainly are not grieving the years of neglect, manipulation, or abuse.

That distinction is critical for survivors. Otherwise, you may internalize their words as proof of love when really it’s proof of self-interest.

Anchoring Yourself in Truth
If you’re navigating a divorce or separation from a narcissist, remind yourself of the consistent reality of how you were treated. Were your needs met? Did your partner show up in times of crisis? Did they take responsibility for the harm caused?

Those answers are what matter for your healing, not the polished words they say now to rewrite the story.

You Deserve Support
If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often feel confused, invalidated, and destabilized by these and other mixed signals. Therapy with a specialist who understands the dynamics of narcissistic relationships can help you reclaim your truth, rebuild your self-worth, and move forward.

We specialize in helping survivors untangle the patterns of narcissistic abuse and recover their sense of self. Learn more at www.narctrauma.com.

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