Understanding the emotional trap that makes “no contact” so hard to maintain.

You’ve finally broken free. Maybe you ended the relationship, or maybe you went no contact after one too many painful cycles. There’s a sense of relief, shaky but real. Then, out of nowhere, your phone pings, a message shows up, or a mutual friend casually mentions that the narcissist was “just asking about you.” This is often the moment when hoovering begins.

What “Hoovering” Really Means
The term “hoovering” comes from the vacuum brand, because the narcissist is essentially trying to “suck” you back into the relationship dynamic. It’s not a genuine attempt to reconnect in a healthy way. Instead, it’s a manipulation tactic aimed at re-establishing contact, control, or emotional access to you.

Hoovering can happen days, months, or even years after a breakup. Narcissists don’t see relationships the way emotionally stable people do. They often view people as sources of supply, validation, attention, admiration, and even conflict. When that supply is cut off, they may panic, feel entitled to regain access, or simply miss the power they had.

Common Hoovering Tactics
Hoovering can be subtle or dramatic, but the goal is always the same: to get you to respond. Some common tactics include:

1. Love bombing “out of nowhere”
Suddenly, they’re full of sweet words, apologies, or “realizations.” They may claim they’ve changed or that you’re their “soulmate.” This isn’t growth; it’s bait.

2. Playing the victim
They might send messages about how miserable they are without you, exaggerate hardships, or hint that something bad might happen to them to trigger guilt or worry.

3. Using other people to deliver messages
Mutual friends, family members, or even children can be pulled in to “accidentally” pass along updates or ask how you’re doing. This gives the narcissist plausible deniability while keeping emotional lines open.

4. Manufactured emergencies
Suddenly there’s a crisis only you can solve. This is designed to override your boundaries through urgency and guilt.

5. Provocations or “mistaken” contact
A text meant for “someone else,” an accidental like on social media, or a random question about something trivial. These are low-effort hooks to see if you’ll bite.

Limerence: The Perfect Hook for a Hoover
One of the most vulnerable states for survivors post-breakup is limerence. Limerence is that intense, obsessive infatuation that can make your brain light up like it’s on a drug. It’s often fueled by fantasy, longing, and what could be, not what actually is.

After going no contact, limerence can flare up when the nervous system craves the highs and lows of the relationship. The narcissist’s sudden reappearance can feel like a fix. That emotional intensity makes it incredibly easy to misinterpret hoovering as genuine love or “fate bringing you back together.”

This is why recognizing limerence is crucial. It’s not proof that the relationship was special. It’s a sign that your brain and body are still recalibrating after emotional trauma. If you’d like a deeper understanding of limerence and why it’s so powerful, you can read my full article on the topic here.

Why Hoovering Works on Survivors
Hoovering taps into emotional vulnerabilities that often develop during narcissistic relationships: trauma bonds, guilt, hope, fear, and limerence. Narcissists are skilled at sensing what lever to pull to get a reaction. Even a small response can reopen the door, which is why no contact or limited contact is so important to maintain.

How to Protect Yourself
You can’t stop someone from hoovering, but you can control your response.

Recognize it for what it is. This is manipulation, not a sincere attempt at repair. Naming it helps break the spell.

Don’t engage. Silence is a boundary. Even a “please stop contacting me” can be twisted into supply.

Strengthen your support system. Let trusted friends or your therapist know what’s happening so you have backup when the emotional pressure ramps up.

Stick to your boundaries. Remind yourself why you went no contact in the first place. Write it down if you need to.

A Final Thought
Hoovering is often the narcissist’s way of testing whether their old tactics still work. When you refuse to play the game, you take your power back. It’s not about playing their game or outsmarting them, it is about staying rooted in your own reality, no longer pulled into the vacuum of their control.

Breaking free is one step. Staying free is another. Recognizing both hoovering and limerence for what they are can make all the difference.